Outside the monogamy box (where exclusivity is negotiable)
A reader, John, left the following comment:
Hi Justwhen,
You wrote that you're "...looking for a vegan activist boyfriend who'll be as devoted to me as I am to him."
... [T]his doesn't sound like polyamory to me - more like a lonely single woman looking for security with a soulmate. Good luck.
Hi, John. I understand why you'd say that quote doesn't sound like polyamory to you. But I want to make sure--you have read the backstory of the blog, right? (See How I found out I'm Poly)
I have three comments:
1) People who are practicing polyamory can be devoted, too. "Devoted" doesn't have to mean "exclusively devoted."
2) Looking for a boyfriend does indeed describe me. It's not like I have some abstract goal of wanting multiple loves. I've got zero now, and I'd like one. That's not necessarily inconsistent with being philosophically open to poly, I think.
3) Here's what I've figured out about myself. For many people, when it comes to relationships, exclusivity is assumed. For me, it's negotiable. Honesty and disclosure--now those are mandatory for me. In other words, I wouldn't ever want to deceive a beloved. (It's a measure of the monogamy model's hegemony that people will sacrifice honesty, lie and sneak to be with someone behind their partner's back, rather than be truthful and open with their partner about their nonmonogamous desires.) I'd add that while exclusivity is not paramount for me, I think it might be my natural desire during the beginning of a new relationship. I could see myself agreeing to be exclusive with a love and being happy that way for a long time. (What's a long time? Months? Years? I don't know.) Then, what if we were together after five or ten or twenty years, still loving each other, and one of us met a wonderful new person? Or an old flame? I've come to feel that the original (primary?) relationship wouldn't necessarily need to end. Could it withstand a fling? The addition of a secondary? These are things to be discussed. They're the sort of scenarios I have in mind when I say that monogamy is not the only ethical relationship model out there. I think compersion is a lovely response, provided one is still receiving plenty of attention and love, and I'd like to expose and challenge the assumption that jealousy is the only way to feel when your beloved feels love or desire for another. It's only inside the monogamy box that another interest or attraction necessarily threatens a loving relationship.
So I'm not sure what to call myself. If saying I'm "polyamorous" or "polyhearted" would be taken to indicate a relationship orientation, then am I "bi-relational"? Maybe "flexible" is simpler.
I'm glad you stopped by. Seems like I know you from somewhere...want to give me a hint?


