What's in a name

I did not receive the following questions from any reader, but a recent comment from H. gave me the idea to answer them, in case you were curious.

"Rachelishappyandsad"--is your email saying you're bipolar?

The only mental health problem I've ever been professionally diagnosed as having was "oppositional disorder" during an uncooperative teenage phase. : )

No, here's the origin of "rachelishappyandsad."

In the fall of 2005, my life was charged with NRE. There was this guy who was available, attractive, and attracted to me. After three lunch dates, it felt like we were teetering on the edge.

H. knew about all this. Because I don't keep secrets from him. He wasn't happy, but he hadn't vetoed the lunch dates.

When I asked him if he would consent to my being more than friends with "Larry," however, the answer was no. (Of course, that's a condensed version of weeks of discussion about renegotiating the terms of our marriage, a veritable roller-coaster ride of loving feelings, hope, resentment, despair, etc.)

I went searching for consolation, for others who could relate to what I was going through.

I googled "open affair" and wound up at the "Open Board" of an affair-recovery discussion forum. I picked a name, Rachel, and introduced myself in a post I labeled "Poly?"

Some people there were incredibly hostile. Others were more accepting. Still, after only one day it was clear to me that my presence was disrupting their therapeutic community, so I exited.

Fortunately, I soon found some other communities which were a better fit: the CPNpolymono yahoogroup and the UUPoly email list.

Needing an email address, I came up with "rachelishappyandsad," as a way to summarize my feelings in my poly/mono situation with H.

Happy that H. is wonderful to be with in so many ways...sad that I'm not the person he'd like me to be, that we have some profound differences.

What about "Terrible, Wonderful?"

Hmm...perhaps that does sound like a title a depression-prone blogger would choose... ; )

Seriously, yes, I have had bouts of depression in my past--like right after we were married & moved to another country, and I didn't know a soul, had no support network, no work permit, no structure to my days...it wasn't good. Things changed for the better when I started some volunteer work and also got pregnant. (No, the volunteer work didn't get me pregnant, cheeky reader, you.)

Some people just seem to have their emotional thermostat at a higher setting...like H. He's a real optimist.

Sometimes I think the most rational response to the state of things today, if your eyes were really open to the myriad problems out there and their magnitude and entrenched nature and the consequent suffering, would be to get deeply depressed. To keep functioning, I have to close my eyes much of the time and stay "sane" that way. (Modern communications and media mean that a person can be aware of more troubles today than has ever been possible in human history...)

I've also found, as have many others, that adequate physical activity improves my outlook on life. I wonder how many prescriptions for antidepressants might have been unnecessary, had exercise been tried first? In 2004, the CDC reported that 10% of U.S. women, 4% of U.S. men were taking antidepressants. If you're one of the many people whose life has improved thanks to these meds, I'm glad. (Several of you are my family members and friends.) I know depression can be a debilitating condition. I just wonder what's going on, that so many of us need our brain chemistry adjusted in order to get through our days...

It's a wonderful world, too, and I mustn't forget that.

Compassion makes life worthwhile.

I'm sending you love, dear readers.

Lots of love. So feel loved.

You are loved.